Below, we explore the motivations and psychological factors behind enabling behavior. It’s important to take steps to recognize this behavior and correct it by setting boundaries with the person, avoiding making excuses for them, letting them take responsibility for their actions, and encouraging them to get help. These are all examples of enabler behavior. If you think your actions might enable your loved one, consider talking to a therapist. But it’s important to recognize this pattern of behavior and begin addressing it. You might simply try to help your loved one out because you’re worried about them or afraid their actions might hurt them, you, or other family members.
Examples of this behavior
But these behaviors often encourage the other person to continue the same behavioral patterns and not seek professional help. Instead of focusing on what you feel you did wrong, identifying concrete behaviors that might have excused your loved one’s actions could help. This is particularly the case if the funds you’re providing are supporting potentially harmful behaviors like substance use or gambling. A sign of enabling behavior is to put someone else’s needs before yours, particularly if the other person isn’t actively contributing to the relationship. In this case, an enabler is a person who often takes responsibility for their loved one’s actions and emotions.
We Care About Your Privacy
When someone you care about engages in unhealthy behavior, it can be natural to make excuses for them or cover up their actions as a way to protect them. It doesn’t mean someone else’s harmful behaviors are on you, either. For example, enabling behavior may include providing the school with an excuse so someone can skip class, even if they did because they spent the night drinking. As with other behaviors, you can manage and change enabling tendencies. In many cases, enabling begins as an effort to support a loved one who may be having a hard time. Motivations for enabling behavior can be complex and multifaceted, often involving a combination of factors.
Not maintaining your stated boundaries
Managing enabling behavior may require that you first recognize the root cause of it. In fact, many people who enable others don’t even realize what they’re doing. At the same time, it may be difficult for you to stop enabling them, which in turn might increase your irritation. You might feel depleted and blame the other person for taking all your energy and time.
How to stop enabling a loved one
If you believe your loved one is looking for attention, you might hope ignoring the behavior will remove their incentive to continue. Even if you personally disagree with a loved one’s behavior, you might ignore it for any number of reasons. It often makes it worse since an enabled person has less motivation to make changes if they keep getting help that reduces their need to make change. Enabling behaviors can often seem like helping behaviors. Maybe you excuse troubling behavior, lend money, or assist in other ways.
Enabler behavior can have negative consequences for the enabler and the person they’re enabling. They may work with you in exploring why you’ve engaged in enabling behaviors and what coping skills you can develop to stop those. However, if you find yourself constantly covering their deficit, you might be engaging in enabling behaviors. The term “enabler” refers to someone who persistently behaves in enabling ways, justifying or indirectly supporting someone else’s potentially harmful behavior. Learning how to identify the main signs can help you prevent and stop enabling behaviors in your relationships.
Experiencing resentment
Therapists often work with people who find themselves enabling loved ones to help them address these patterns and offer support in more helpful and positive ways. Make it clear you’re aware of substance misuse or other behavior instead of ignoring or brushing these actions off. You may feel obligated to continue helping even when you don’t want to.
- John C. Umhau, MD, MPH, CPE is board-certified in addiction medicine and preventative medicine.
- Your teen spends hours each night playing video games instead of taking care of their responsibilities.
- You remember when they drank very little, so you tell yourself they don’t have a problem.
Negative Consequences of Enabling Behavior
It’s often frightening to think about bringing up serious issues like addiction once you’ve realized there’s a problem. Someone struggling with depression may have a hard time getting out of bed each day. They prevent your child from experiencing academic consequences that could affect their future. It’s tempting to make excuses for your loved one to other family members or friends when you worry other people will judge them harshly or negatively. Helping them out each month won’t teach them how to manage their money. Your adult child struggles to manage their money and never has enough to pay their rent.
- At the same time, it may be difficult for you to stop enabling them, which in turn might increase your irritation.
- You might decide it’s better just to ignore the behavior or hide your money.
- Because they also struggle with alcohol addiction, you tell yourself it’s the alcohol talking and they don’t really mean it.
- It’s tempting to make excuses for your loved one to other family members or friends when you worry other people will judge them harshly or negatively.
- When worried about the consequences of a loved one’s actions, it’s only natural to want to help them out by protecting them from those consequences.
Try to be honest with yourself about those behaviors that might not have contributed to a solution. Sometimes, when all your time and energy is focused on your loved one, you might feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated or reciprocated. By allowing the other person to constantly rely on you to get their tasks done, they may be less likely to find reasons to do them the next time.
Healing from childhood trauma is not a straight line — it’s a journey of remembering,… Enabling can have serious consequences for your relationship and your loved one’s chances for recovery. If your loved one is dealing with alcohol misuse, removing alcohol from your home can help keep it out of easy reach. For example, you might offer rides to appointments but say no to giving money for gas or anything else. They may not agree to enter treatment right define enabler person away, so you might have to mention it several times. This resentment slowly creeps into your interactions with her kids.
They could say they’ve only tried drugs once or twice but don’t use them regularly. By pretending what they do doesn’t affect you, you give the message they aren’t doing anything problematic. This can be particularly challenging if you already tend to find arguments or conflict difficult.
But you don’t follow through, so your loved one continues doing what they’re doing and learns these are empty threats. But you also work full time and need the evenings to care for yourself. Minimizing the issue implies to your loved one that they can continue to treat you similarly with no consequences. But the reason for the behavior doesn’t really matter. You might tell yourself this behavior isn’t so bad or convince yourself they wouldn’t do those things if not for addiction. People dealing with addiction or other patterns of problematic behavior often say or do hurtful or abusive things.
If you state a consequence, it’s important to follow through. Your teen spends hours each night playing video games instead of taking care of their responsibilities. The reason you’re letting your needs go unmet matters. Do you struggle financially after giving your loved one money? You remember when they drank very little, so you tell yourself they don’t have a problem. You reassure them you aren’t concerned, that they don’t drink that much, or otherwise deny there’s an issue.
Enabling someone doesn’t mean you agree with their behavior. Tell your loved one you want to keep helping them, but not in ways that enable their behavior. Offer compassion, but make it clear those behaviors aren’t OK.
The following signs can help you recognize when a pattern of enabling behavior may have developed. Most people who enable loved ones don’t intend to cause harm. But it’s important to realize enabling doesn’t really help.
